A little bit about the day of the 23^rd December 2010.

I had been doing some last minute Christmas shopping the night before and I felt rough, as did Sophie. In fact in the morning I remember seeing my mother passing us on a bus and then her texting me to say how awful I looked. Thank you Mother.

The morning went by without any incidence. I had a project at work that needed to be finished by the end of the year, so I was frantically preparing all this stuff together so I could finish it over the festive period. At lunch time I had a Doctor’s appointment at 1 that day so I had to go during my lunch break. I realised while I was on the bus that I had left my phone at work. Instead of going back, I thought nothing major would happen in the hour so decided not to go back for it. I’d never been more wrong in my whole life.

I get back from my appointment (all fine by the way) and noticed I had 17 missed calls from Sophie. Even though she had entered her third trimester that day, it didn’t register that she was calling me about the baby, more likely that she wanted to know how my appointment went. I called her back casually, and I could tell while talking to her that she was annoyed with me, and that’s when she dropped the bombshell about her water breaking. A friend at work gave me a lift home and for the whole journey there all I was thinking were two things.

1.       I need to make sure Sophie is comfortable and do whatever she wants.

2.       I am going to meet my little boy very soon.

I was stuck in this bit of traffic and I was too impatient to get home so I ran the last few minutes. It was very icy and almost fell over on a couple of occasions but luckily I didn’t do anything that needed medical assistance. That would have been embarrassing. We got the bag ready (over-packed on everything) and went to the birthing centre. When we arrived, we were told we were too early so we should go home and wait until Sophie’s contractions were lasting 90 seconds and were every three minutes.

Sophie went for a shower and once she came out, she was in a lot of pain. We were timing the contractions but they were very erratic, sometimes they were forty seconds, other times it was three minutes. I called up the birthing centre to see if we could come in, and the lady said for Sophie to take some paracetamol. We had none so I offered to get some, to help her with the pain, but Sophie said no and didn’t want me to leave. I now realise that suggesting this is a stupid thing to do, but I wanted to do something that may help her with the pain. I thought it was also sweet how our unsociable cat Clyde stayed on the bed by Sophie’s feet. Usually he would hear a noise and leave the room in a huff, but I like to think he wanted to help somehow.

Eventually we were allowed to go back to the birth centre and get ready for the arrival of our little baby boy. While there I became useless. I know it’s all about the woman, but I really wanted to help her as she was in a lot of pain. Sophie was very much thinking that all she wanted to do was crawl up in a ball and not be touched. I sat in a chair, offering her help, squeeze my hand, punch me, anything but she just wanted to be left alone. I remember the midwife walking in on two separate occasions and both times I was checking my phone to see the time, I guess she must have thought I was some horrible person ignoring his partner while I play on my phone. That wasn’t the case.

The little bundle of joy arrived at 1a.m on Christmas Eve. I remember Sophie holding him and being so happy, despite her being tired and what seemed like losing a lot of blood. I thought this was normal but this was not the case. Sophie started saying she felt like she was going to drop the baby, so the nurse took him of Sophie and passed him to me. I loved this moment and it was very nerve-racking for me. At this time things were still okay and I was holding this perfect little thing and I was happy. Then I heard somebody say “we need to get a crash team in here” and I was asked to leave the room, as I left I grabbed Sophie’s hand and she didn’t squeeze back. A Doctor was saying Sophie’s name, but she didn’t respond until he really shouted it. I know I was holding my first born but this was the worst moment of my life. I had a baby that I didn’t know how to look after and was thinking that he might never know his Mother. I know I can be a drama queen at times but I’m not exaggerating how close Sophie seemed to dying. I know the midwives were concerned for me as well and what was making things worse was being told nothing. The time I was moved out of the room until I was able to see Sophie again, all I did was tell a less than hour old premature baby about what an amazing person his Mother was.     

When I got told I was able to see Sophie, she looked paler than I’d ever seen her and she’s a very pale person to start with. I was told she would be okay but I still wasn’t certain. While she was taken downstairs to be checked over, I was given the responsibility of dressing our child. The midwife who stayed with me to give our child his tags and check his weight, I had to go and find a vest, baby grow, hat and blanket. I didn’t really know the difference between the baby grow and the vest but I somehow found them all and I dressed our child. I then got to take this beautiful little man off to spend some time with his Mother. It was heart-breaking to me to see Sophie in such a weak state that she couldn’t give her child a cuddle. I do remember when I fell asleep (for 15 minutes) and I woke up to see Sophie cuddling him, even though she had been through so much I remember how happy she was.

While he slept and she was recovering, we started discussing the name. We both instantly agreed that he should be Leo. It was the perfect name for him and coincidently, his first outfit had a lion on it. We were both smitten with the boy and we still are. I know there was other things happened but I think this was the important stuff.

The experience wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped and even ten months later, I get emotional thinking about what happened. It makes me feel apprehensive about things and has made me hate the idea of ever having to go to a hospital again.  I know some people will always say the first time you hold your child is the best feeling ever, but as amazing as it is, I prefer seeing his personality take shape, I love the way he gets happy when he sees his parents, I’m amazed at every new thing he learns and how amazing everything is because Leo is a part of it all. One of my biggest fears was becoming a parent, and although there is a lot I can do better and it is hard work, the reward outweighs it all.