A little bit about the day of the 23^rd December 2010.

I had been doing some last minute Christmas shopping the night before and I felt rough, as did Sophie. In fact in the morning I remember seeing my mother passing us on a bus and then her texting me to say how awful I looked. Thank you Mother.

The morning went by without any incidence. I had a project at work that needed to be finished by the end of the year, so I was frantically preparing all this stuff together so I could finish it over the festive period. At lunch time I had a Doctor’s appointment at 1 that day so I had to go during my lunch break. I realised while I was on the bus that I had left my phone at work. Instead of going back, I thought nothing major would happen in the hour so decided not to go back for it. I’d never been more wrong in my whole life.

I get back from my appointment (all fine by the way) and noticed I had 17 missed calls from Sophie. Even though she had entered her third trimester that day, it didn’t register that she was calling me about the baby, more likely that she wanted to know how my appointment went. I called her back casually, and I could tell while talking to her that she was annoyed with me, and that’s when she dropped the bombshell about her water breaking. A friend at work gave me a lift home and for the whole journey there all I was thinking were two things.

1.       I need to make sure Sophie is comfortable and do whatever she wants.

2.       I am going to meet my little boy very soon.

I was stuck in this bit of traffic and I was too impatient to get home so I ran the last few minutes. It was very icy and almost fell over on a couple of occasions but luckily I didn’t do anything that needed medical assistance. That would have been embarrassing. We got the bag ready (over-packed on everything) and went to the birthing centre. When we arrived, we were told we were too early so we should go home and wait until Sophie’s contractions were lasting 90 seconds and were every three minutes.

Sophie went for a shower and once she came out, she was in a lot of pain. We were timing the contractions but they were very erratic, sometimes they were forty seconds, other times it was three minutes. I called up the birthing centre to see if we could come in, and the lady said for Sophie to take some paracetamol. We had none so I offered to get some, to help her with the pain, but Sophie said no and didn’t want me to leave. I now realise that suggesting this is a stupid thing to do, but I wanted to do something that may help her with the pain. I thought it was also sweet how our unsociable cat Clyde stayed on the bed by Sophie’s feet. Usually he would hear a noise and leave the room in a huff, but I like to think he wanted to help somehow.

Eventually we were allowed to go back to the birth centre and get ready for the arrival of our little baby boy. While there I became useless. I know it’s all about the woman, but I really wanted to help her as she was in a lot of pain. Sophie was very much thinking that all she wanted to do was crawl up in a ball and not be touched. I sat in a chair, offering her help, squeeze my hand, punch me, anything but she just wanted to be left alone. I remember the midwife walking in on two separate occasions and both times I was checking my phone to see the time, I guess she must have thought I was some horrible person ignoring his partner while I play on my phone. That wasn’t the case.

The little bundle of joy arrived at 1a.m on Christmas Eve. I remember Sophie holding him and being so happy, despite her being tired and what seemed like losing a lot of blood. I thought this was normal but this was not the case. Sophie started saying she felt like she was going to drop the baby, so the nurse took him of Sophie and passed him to me. I loved this moment and it was very nerve-racking for me. At this time things were still okay and I was holding this perfect little thing and I was happy. Then I heard somebody say “we need to get a crash team in here” and I was asked to leave the room, as I left I grabbed Sophie’s hand and she didn’t squeeze back. A Doctor was saying Sophie’s name, but she didn’t respond until he really shouted it. I know I was holding my first born but this was the worst moment of my life. I had a baby that I didn’t know how to look after and was thinking that he might never know his Mother. I know I can be a drama queen at times but I’m not exaggerating how close Sophie seemed to dying. I know the midwives were concerned for me as well and what was making things worse was being told nothing. The time I was moved out of the room until I was able to see Sophie again, all I did was tell a less than hour old premature baby about what an amazing person his Mother was.     

When I got told I was able to see Sophie, she looked paler than I’d ever seen her and she’s a very pale person to start with. I was told she would be okay but I still wasn’t certain. While she was taken downstairs to be checked over, I was given the responsibility of dressing our child. The midwife who stayed with me to give our child his tags and check his weight, I had to go and find a vest, baby grow, hat and blanket. I didn’t really know the difference between the baby grow and the vest but I somehow found them all and I dressed our child. I then got to take this beautiful little man off to spend some time with his Mother. It was heart-breaking to me to see Sophie in such a weak state that she couldn’t give her child a cuddle. I do remember when I fell asleep (for 15 minutes) and I woke up to see Sophie cuddling him, even though she had been through so much I remember how happy she was.

While he slept and she was recovering, we started discussing the name. We both instantly agreed that he should be Leo. It was the perfect name for him and coincidently, his first outfit had a lion on it. We were both smitten with the boy and we still are. I know there was other things happened but I think this was the important stuff.

The experience wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped and even ten months later, I get emotional thinking about what happened. It makes me feel apprehensive about things and has made me hate the idea of ever having to go to a hospital again.  I know some people will always say the first time you hold your child is the best feeling ever, but as amazing as it is, I prefer seeing his personality take shape, I love the way he gets happy when he sees his parents, I’m amazed at every new thing he learns and how amazing everything is because Leo is a part of it all. One of my biggest fears was becoming a parent, and although there is a lot I can do better and it is hard work, the reward outweighs it all.

Brilliant Highlights

Unfortunately the season finished with my beloved reds. Sticking with my 13 series of blogs and not wanting to write about the misery that was the end of the season, I thought I’d write about my 13 favourite players since I have been following them (so no Charlton, Edwards, Best or Law). As all my top 13 blogs they are not in order of preference but I think it will be clear who is actually at the top of the list.

Ryan Giggs
Most appearances ever for Man Utd. The most decorated footballer in British Football. The Welsh Wizard that we all wished was English. Ryan Giggs was the first poster child of the Fergie era and he had the skills to prove he weren’t just a pretty face. The fact that the man is still playing (he’s coming up to his 20th season in the United first team) at the highest level and was last season’s PFA player of the year shows you the character of the man. As a child I loved seeing him run at players and he scored some incredible goals. Now he has to reserve his energy but can still beat the right back with a shot of pace and his skill is still there. Just like Fergie, it will be a sad day when he finally hangs up his boots and for his achievements, nobody will ever come close.

Cristiano Ronaldo
Some people hate him but the fact is that when he was a United player he was the best in the world. I still think on his day there is nobody better. Messi has more skill more Ronaldo has more bows to his arrow. When he first joined the club he was given the No. 7 shirt, which at Old Trafford is saying that you’re something special. Beckham had left and we had signed this 19 year old Portuguese winger to take over one of the world’s best passers. His debut against Bolton showed his promise. He came off the bench and he destroyed the defence. His first couple of seasons were hit and miss. Some days he was sublime, others he would infuriate you. Then for three years (2006 – 2009) He became the main attraction at the Theatre of Dreams. He eclipsed goal scoring records in the premiership. In one season he scored 32 goals in 38 games. For a striker that would be phenomenal, but for winger, it was a different class. That same season his goal to game ratio was practically a goal a game. Unfortunately he left but I’ll never forget the impact. He may even be the most technically gifted player to ever don the famous red shirt.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer
When United signed Solskjaer from Norwegian side Molde in 1996, I had no idea who the player was. He was signed at the same time as Yordi Cruyff (son of dutch legend Johann) and Karel Poborsky. Cruyff and Poborsky were big to me because they had played in Euro 1996 and particularly Poborsky because he had scored a fantastic goal against Portugal in that tournament and I was excited to him play for us. Of those three players Ole was the one who got a legendary status. I loved the guy from his debut when he scored a chip against Blackburn (the equalising goal in a 2-2 draw) after coming off from the bench. He did this until his retirement from the game in 2007. I loved him so much that I named a cat after him in 1998, and this was before his winner against Munich in 1999 to win the European Cup. The guy never complained about being on the bench, and whenever he played he scored and worked very hard. At Old Trafford there is a fan banner that calls him a legend and deserves that status at the Theatre of Dreams.

Gary Neville
The guy is a massive dick. He if played for any other club I would hate him, but he isn’t and he loves the club. I know when he goes onto the pitch he will give his all on the pitch and will won’t give up. He’s also the best English right back, even though he is at the end of his career. The player can still provide a great cross.


Rio Ferdinand
The guy cost 30 million and at the time I just thought he was good. He went on to become the best defender in the world from 2006 – 2009. He was unbeatable. He makes everything effortless and it takes moments of brilliance to get past him. I love Rio and he is rightfully England Captian.

Nemanja Vidic
Part of the best centre pairing in the world. He’s an old school defender that gets stuck in and he is very commanding. When he first started his United career, he looked dreadful. I thought that he was going to go to obscurity and be remembered in the same way as William Prunier. How wrong I was because the man is a rock at the back. There are rumours that Vidic will be leaving in the summer, and if that happens he will be sorely missed.

Eric Cantona
Arrogant. Cocky. Nutcase. Loose Screw. God.
I actually love the guy. I would wear my collar up for years whenever I would wear a collared shirt (even at school) . If I ever met him I would turn into a school girl meeting Marky Mark when he still had the Funky Bunch. I would kiss the man’s feet because of his genius. He came into Old Trafford and he brought trophies. We could have been playing rubbish, Eric would do one little trick and the whole team would come to life. I own three DVDs about his career, two of them I had on video. My favourite goal of his was against Sunderland in his final season. He hadn’t played well for a couple of months and scored the most audacious chip from the edge of the box and then did his arrogant pose to say ‘what else do you expect from me?’. I remember I was playing football in my back garden when my borther told me that Cantona has retired. I remember that like people remember where they were when the man landed on the moon. It was huge to me, but the man gave me so many memories. There was a poster for a Nike advertisement saying “1966 was a great year fro English football, Eric was born.” I actually think that his birth was bigger than England winning the World Cup. I really do love Eric Cantona, in my eyes he is the greatest footballer of all time.

Paul Scholes
The unsung hero. I always loved Paul Scholes. The guy never became the star that Beckham did, but he was always a better player. Even today his vision to pick out a player is second to none. Whenever you hear players talking about he best people they played against, Paul Scholes is always top of their list, which tells you how good the man is. It will be a sad day when the little ginger genius hangs up those boots.

Wayne Rooney
The star of the moment. There’s not much to say about Wazza other than he will give you his all on the pitch. I was happy when we signed him because you knew he was going to be special. This season he has become the main man (every team has one) and he has exceeded all expectations. I can see him at United for life and I think next season he will be better than the last. I can’t wait to see him back in a UNITED shirt next season (Fuck England)

Andrei Kanchelkis
Looking back I don’t think he was that great a player, but as a child he was amazing. He was lightning quick on the right wing and he scored quite a lot of goals. I loved watching him as a child and then he joined Everton for the 95-96 season, when the previous season we had lost the league. I hated him for that and I felt betrayed. I now realise that Ferige sold him because he had the next player coming through the ranks.

David Beckham
I’m not going to say much about Beckham but he was fantastic. In 1999 he was one of the best players in the world. He’s the best crosser I’ve ever seen of a ball, he took brilliant free-kicks and he would cover every blade of grass. I was sad to see him go but he went at the right time and we replaced him with Ronaldo who went on to be a much better player. He is a United legend and I also think maybe the best looking player United have ever had.

Roy Keane
Roy Keane is a scary man. On the pitch he was like a General who got involved on the front line. Every tackle was there to be one and if he didn’t win the ball then he let the player know that he was there. In his prime he was the standard bearer for how a defensive midfielder should be, Strong, quick and a good tackler. I miss his type of player

Peter Schmeichel
The greatest goalkeeper of all time. He changed the art of the position. He would always make himself as big as possible to stop the ball. I remember a game against Newcastle in 1997 at St James Park. It weren’t a great performance but it was a must win. Newcastle had two of the best strikers in the box with Sir Les Ferdinand and Alan Shearer. They threw everything at the Great Dane but he was unbeatable. A brick wall in front of the goal couldn’t have done a better job than him on that day and we won the game 1-0. He did that many times over the years and I could watch his saves for hours and never get bored. He will always be United’s number one between the sticks.

Back in the Saddle

I love music, but i thought it would be too hard to write my 13 favourite albums (it would basically be Metallica, Weezer and Alice in Chains probably) so here are my favouirte 13 albums of the last decade. I also decided to only include one album per band. Enjoy

System Of A Down – Toxicity
Would make my top 13 albums of all time. When it first came out I listened to this album all the time. I only took it out of my portable CD player to put it in my home stereo, it’s a masterpiece. Their debut album was brilliant, it was the sound of a band who came from an insane asylum. Toxicity was the sound of band that was taking that asylum sound and make it more accessible, and in that way it was better. Chop Suey is the song that took the band to the big dance, but the album doesn’t have a song that would be rated under 5 stars on a 5 star rating system. I miss this band.

Audioslave – Audioslave
Rage Against the Garden was almost a wet dream for me. I loved Soundgarden (I’ve written a blog about Chris Cornell) and my brother had really gotten me into Rage Against the Machine. I hadn’t heard a song of this aldum but I bought it straight away and was not disappointed. Cochise was pure Rage meets Garden but as songs went past they sounded more like their own band. They broke up after 3 albums and I weren’t too bothered because it has giving me back their two original bands back to the world. That’s fine with me.

Weezer – The Green Album
In the summer of 2001 I did my GCSE’s. I didn’t revise much and I didn’t do that well. There was probably two reasons why I didn’t do any revision for the biggest moment at that time:
I was told I could still go to college and do the course I wanted even if I messed up my exams.
I was too busy listening to the Green Album.
My brother got me this album and I listened to it about 5 times a day throughout the summer. Weezer are my second favourite band and this may well be my favourite albums of the band. It’s the best album under 40 minutes (that includes Slayer’s Reign in Blood) and I always visit it again in the summer. It’s my favourite thing about the summer, listening to a lot of Weezer (and my girlfriend’s birthday of course)

Metallica – Death Magnetic
My favourite band ever. I’ve written a lot of times about Metallica so I don’t need to say how great they are. Death Magnetic may be my third favourite Metallica album, and that’s a big thing to say. I got the special edition of the album, which came in a white cardboard coffin box and I think it just adds to the listening pleasure. From the classic sounding intro of This is Just your Life, to the radio friendly Cyanide and the first single The Day that Never Comes, it is a classic Metallica sounding album that spans most of the music from their career. People say that this is Kirk Hammett’s album and I think that plays down how great the rest sound on this album.

Alice In Chains – Black Gives Way To Blue
My brother likes going to concerts but he never really isn’t someone who gets animated in his excitement at going, but he was for Alice in Chains. I was excited too but you can’t forget about the big elephant in the room that the band no longer had Layne Staley on singing duties. After that concert I was amazed at how good William Duvall and had no concerns about a new album. The album is like a new era for the bad. It still has that sound but it’s seems slightly more positive (not that the band have cheered up lyric wise). I’m glad they done the album and I can’t wait for their next tour so I can hear some of these songs live.

AFI – Sing The Sorrow
I first heard AFI when I saw The Offspring live in 2000 at Wembley Arena (I hate that place) and was very impressed. I then had to wait three years for them to release new material. Their previous albums were very much punk albums in the vein of the Misfits. Sing The Sorrow was a massive direction change and it paid off big time. The fanbase deservedly grew to millions and the epic had an epic sound. People always say a band going too mainstream is a bad thing but that’s bullshit and it definitely is in the case for AFI. Love this album.

Thrice – Artist in the Ambulance
I love Thrice. They are a band that I think deserve a lot of success because they are doing something different to everybody else, yet they could only muster modest sales. That doesn’t bother me though because I think they are fantastic and Artist in the Ambulance is their finest hour to my ears. It has the mellow moments but when it was heavy, it was very heavy. Also, by buying this album, 15% of the money goes to a charity. This band doesn’t make much money, yet give a chunk of their money to charity. That’s classy.

HIM – Dark Light
I love HIM, but when this album came out I really loved them. This isn’t my favourite HIM album but when it came out I listened to it a lot and I think that merits a mention in this list. It is a really great album and it definitely got them out to a bigger market and it’s easy on the ears. Plus it has Vampire Heart, Under the Rose and Killing Loneliness, which is 3 of my favourite HIM songs.

Jack’s Mannequin – Everything in Transit
There was a band called Something Corporate, that I got into because they were compared to Weezer. They were good but they split up, and the singer, Andrew McMahon started Jack’s Mannequin and they were better. This album is all about him being dumped by his childhood sweetheart (they are now back together and happily married) It’s a really chilled out album and I love it. Not much to say really.

Blink 182 – Take Off your Pants and Jackets
I was 15 years old when this came out, I was really into Punk at the time and this album to me was really underrated at the time. The album is immature, it’s nothing groundbreaking but it’s got craft craftsmanship and it flows brilliantly. Some people are embarrassed to say they like Blink, but if Rock Show came on, they will love it! I saw them live in 2003 and I thought they were pretty rubbish.

Korn – Untouchables
This was a much hyped album in my teenage years, even I had been waiting three years for it to be released, and when it finally came out in 2002 it didn’t disappoint. To me this album is up there with the debut album. I love this album and it was well worth the wait. I saw them live later in the year and it was one of the best concerts I’ve ever been too and I loved that it concentrated on this album. I really need to listen to this album now.

Foo Fighters – In your Honour
I always liked the Foo Fighters but I never thought they had done a great album. Then when they released One by One it was very good. It had the worst songs of their career. They follow up that album with their finest moment. In your Honour to discs, one consists of the radio-friendly rock that they do better than anybody else and a second acoustic disc. Both CDs would stand up as a great album on their own, but both together make it a highlight. The Foos will make more great songs in the future but I’m convinced they’ll never top this album, and that’s not a bad thing.

Pearl Jam – Pearl Jam
Some people will tell you that Pearl Jam are currently enjoying a second wind in their career. It’s true but I would go further and say that Peal Jam’s self titled album might even be the best thing they’ve ever recorded. I love early Pearl Jam, but this album starts off with the first 5-6 songs bursting with the venom they had back in the day, and mellows out at the end to a fitting finale to a great album. It took me a long time to realise how great this band are, but I’m glad I did.

The return of the 13 series

The get back on the 13 lists in 13 days, these are my favourite shows. I don’t think this needs much of an introduction. I was going to add pictures to this but that takes too long.

The Sopranos
This blog was going to be based on shows from this century, however if I did that then I would have to leave out my two favourite shows, one of which is The Sopranos. I didn’t start watching it until the third series when my brother made me watch it (it is his favourite show). After the first episode I went back and watched the rest. It is utter genius. Tony Soprano is an arsehole, he’s never going to change and like many characters in the shows listed here, you will be on his side until the end. When you want the bad guy to be ok at the end, you know it’s brilliantly written television. I couldn’t pick a favourite series because it just seemed like it was one. The thing I loved most about the show was that each little story was given time to materialise into something, sometimes it would be a couple of episodes, sometimes it was a couple of series but the payoff was always worth it. Quite possibly the greatest show of all time. It also has the greatest entrance to any show.

The Wire
Any show that has a gay black Robin Hood inspired character has to be good. The Wire is the show that every critic loves but didn’t get big viewing figures. A show that has so many characters that it can have it’s main character (McNulty) hardly be in an entire series. The show was based around the different aspects of the Baltimore Police Department. The core of the show was always with the police trying to stop the drug dealers, but it would also expand on that every time. One series would concentrate on schools, then the next would be about the newspaper, another would be an election. It had many things going on but you never felt lost. Going back to my first sentence, just like Obama, Omar was my favourite character. He started off slow, but when he was a witness in a murder trial he became the unsung hero of the show. Every time he was on the screen he stole it, and they way he died was a total shock. Plus Bubbles survived all 5 series, which to me makes it a classic.

Spaced
I remember the moment I fell in love with Spaced. It was the first episode, Tim and Daisy looking for apartments and then they both break down and then when they decide to live together, Daisy wipes dribble off her chin. This show plays to the geek inside me as it is just a parody of everything. To do that and make the show feel original is a clear sign of genius. The slow motion gun fight is one of the finest moments in sitcom history. Unlike the UK Office when they ruined it by giving it a clear ending, Spaced never did that, letting you wonder if Tim & Daisy ever got together.

The Apprentice
I like three reality shows, I’m a Celebrity, X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent. I love The Apprentice. There is never a dull episode because Sir Alan, Nick & Margaret are always unintentionally funny. The contestants do the most bizarre things, especially when they have the worst idea in history, yet they think it is the next big thing. It probably isn’t one of my 13 favourite shows but the junior version starts tomorrow and I’m looking forward to this. A lot.

Porridge
The greatest British sitcom of all time. Ronnie Barker has perfect comedy timing and acting chops. It was so clever and the fact it was set in a prison means it should be a disaster, yet it wasn’t. My girlfriend says this show is boring but I don’t think she’s ever given it a chance. The use of language in this show was a step above everything else and the Father-Son dynamic between Barker and Richard Beckinsale was the backbone to the show. Every episode was funny but sometimes they would have moments they made you remember it is set in a prison and it can get to everyone.

The Shield
Quite possibly my favourite cop show. It wasn’t as well written or acted as The Wire but damn every episode was exciting. It follows the life of Vic Mackay and his Strike Team Police Force who are cutting corners and breaking the law to build a future for themselves. All the series follow Vic trying to keep his head above water the whole time. I was always looking forward to the ending of this show to see what outcome he would have. I thought he would be killed, but the ending that happened was probably the greatest ending of any show. Part of me always wanted to see a happy ending. Michael Chiklis was fantastic in this show.

Scrubs
Some people hate on Scrubs because it’s a sitcom that always ends with a moral to the story. Some people hate on Scrubs because it’s a sitcom that always ends with a moral to the story. I don’t care about that because the previous 20 minutes are hilarious. I like the voiceover and the day dream sequences. I also like that it’s got a bit off a throwback to classic US sitcoms while still being original. I feel the show is actually underrated as lots of people say it is generic but they are wrong.

The Office: An American Workplace
I like the original English series. They were funny and new. Then came the Christmas specials. The first was hilarious, whereas the final episode was a massive letdown. I hate that Tim & Dawn got together because I didn’t like the characters, particularly Tim. He was a knob so why would you want him to get his dream girl? I watched the American version when it was first on and I wasn’t the biggest fan of Series one, but I did love the basketball episode, which kept me interested in the second series and I’m glad I stuck with the show. The US Office is less realistic but who watches a sitcom for realism? They took the annoying parts of the UK one and just stuck to what the show does best. I also like Pam & Jim and want them to get married. I also think Dwight K. Schrute might be my hero.

Father Ted
It was ridiculous in the vein of Fawlty Towers, and with each series the ideas were insane, but it was always funny. The greatest double act in sitcom history could be Father Ted and Father Dougal. The Christmas special where they get stuck in a lingerie store with other priests is probably my favourite ever xmas episode of anything, and the episode with Richard Wilson guest starring was better than the entire run of One Foot in the Grave.

Dexter
This isn’t one of my favourite 13 shows, but I’m really looking forward to series 4 returning in a few months. It was a great premise of a show, following the life of a serial killer with a code. The first two series were fantastic, series three was only good for the interaction between Dexter and Miguel was brilliant, but there was too much fluff with the smaller storylines. However I’m very excited about the fourth series as it stars the legend that is John Lithgow (famous for Harry and the Hendersons, Cliffhanger and 3rd rock from the Sun).

Veronica Mars
I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck is this teeny bopper show doing in a list of my favourite shows? Well it’s awesome and I clearly have the taste of a 14 year old girl. I love this show and I was a fan for life from episode one. I loved it so much that I immediately went on Amazon and ordered the first series from America due to it not being available in this country. Kristen Bell is one of my favourite actresses and the fact is I usually refer to her as Veronica Mars instead of her real name. The show had a film noir feel if it was made by somebody who wanted to make the genre mainstream. When I first saw it I went into overdrive and tried to get as many people to watch it. There is no other teen show like it.

The Simpsons
My favourite show ever. I could watch The Simpsons all day, every day for a month and feel like I had a very productive month! I actually think that the episode ‘You Only Live Twice’ (Where Homer gets a new job working for Hank Scorpio, unknown to him that Hank is a bad guy) is the greatest episode of anything ever made. I love every character on the show and saying that for something like Gavin & Stacey is one thing because it has about 8 people in it, The Simpsons has 100’s of them and I love them all. He might be evil but I want to be friends with Mr Burns, if I had a child, I’d want him to have the sweetness and innocence of Ralph Wiggum. I want Ned Flanders to be my neighbour. I love this show and to the hatred of my girlfriend, she hates them boxsets but to me they are the world’s biggest cubic zircona of my collection.

I’ll admit I don’t think the series as good as it was when it first started, but I still laugh more at the show than almost anything else. The fact that the first 13 series are faultness to me shows you that I think no show can hold a candle to this.

30 Rock
Again, probably not a top 13 show for me at the moment (this top 13 list is just a fucking lie really come to think of it!) but this is the one show I want to watch the most right now. Tina Fey is the funniest person on television right now. Tracey Morgan is hilarious just playing himself. It’s got that woman who was very annoying in Ally McBeal (who wasn’t annoying in that show, but I mean the really annoying one) who is brilliant, and it has THE BALDWIN. Everybody loves THE BALDWIN and this show is perfect for him. I love this show.

Looking to the future

It's a Sunday morning at the local church and Mass is halfway through. The Priest is reading his sermon, meanwhile thinking about if he could get away with sneaky touch of the new alter boy without him getting rejected. Then the doors to the Chruch open and the Priest stops talking and is in shock. The catholics look around and can't believe it.

"Hello my children, I have returned." Says Jesus.

Nobody can believe it, almost as if they didn't believe the Bible when it said one day he would return. Jesus looks around at every person and slowly makes his way to the alter. It's so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. The Priest steps to the side as Jesus steps up to the Microphone. He has a shocked look on his face and then licks his lips before speaking. Every person is anticipating his words of wisdom.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?" Jesus screams before breaking into a bad guy style monologue.

I decide that 2010 was my time to come back to Earth in the human form, looking to see how people celebrate my teachings and how you worship me, because i should be worshipped because i'm the son of fucking God, and do you have a statue of me helping people? No, you celebrate my life by having me crucified! The worst moment of my life and you choose that moment to be the symbol? Itell you i'm coming back and you guys think 'What image would JC like to see of himself when he returns, i know, when he's stuck to a cross for days in pain and agony for us.' Thanks a lot "my children"

"We love you Jesus" Says an elderly lady

"What the fuck is that around your neck?" Jesus asks

"A cross, to simbolise our love and dedication to you" She answers

"Oh great, because that's what i want to see my peeps wearing to respresent me. A cross, like the one i was nailed too for days and left to die. Do any of you have brains?" I mean have any of you read this book? I admit it's not a page turner like Harry Potter but this book was meant to teach people but no, you guys you it to judge people. I mean why do you hate homosexuals?

"The bible says it's immoral and wrong" The Priest answers

"Where? What page does it say i think homosexuals are wrong? I'll tell you where, it doesn't. I just wanted people to be happy but you decide to be massive homophobes. There is no gay bashing in the Bible, i've even kissed a couple of my disciples back in the day, it was no big deal!" Jesus continues "and why do you condemn prostitutes, i clearly love me some ladies of the night and you make them feel like they are doing something wrong when the fact of the matter is after this gig the J-dogg is gonna go and pick himself up a lady to do some freaky shit with"

"You are not the son of a God, you were sent here by the devil" shouts a man in a suit.

"JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST! Are you kidding me? how dare you insult me. You have sinned in my house and i'm in a vengeful mood."

Jesus walks down from the alter and goes to the man and snaps his neck.

"Haven't you watched The Wire? You disrespect me in a house built for me in front of my people then you must die! Don't you know who i am? Don't you know who my Father is? He created the Earth and you speak down to his son? I can't stay on this Earth, i'm going back to Heaven, away from you people. Oh and don't worry, i may have killed that sinner, but i have a endless collection of get into Heaven free cards. One final message though, if you want to get invited to the big dance, you gotta make some changes!

Jesus then pulls out a .45 magnum, "This is how i should have been sacrificed" then he shoots himself in the head and vanishes in a light.


I'm thinking about doing this writing course and need to enter a piece for it and wanted to know if i could think of something to write of the top off my head. I think it needs a lot of work but maybe this has some potential

The Buble could easily take down the death star with his crooning style vocals

I have a plane that carries 13 people and the plane will crash. Nobody dies, it will be like lost. There is no escape from the island and whatever they did before the crash is eradicated from memory. Which 13 people would I put on the plane?
(Side note: if this did actually happen, I would choose evil people so I’m only choosing people who annoy me too much)

1.Phil Collins
He’s an ok drummer. He was in Genesis. Then Peter Gabriel quit so Phil Collins thinks he can sing and goes on to have a huge solo career despite the fact that all he is doing is a very bad Peter Gabriel impression. His songs are like nails on a blackboard. He has a mediocre voice, which is better than…

2.Pink
The girl can’t sing, at all. I’ve watched X Factor auditions that have failed to get through and thought they were better than Pink. That’s bad enough but the woman has won song writing awards. She wrote a song where it was about a man that she’s not going to have sex with because he treated her bad and the song is called ‘ you and your hand.’ She also has an image of a rebel when she is clearly manufactured.

3.Paris Hilton
She became a big celebrity by making a low quality porno. Before she was like an IT girl, very rich father and was seen at any opening of a club. Then came the sex tape and she got a lot of TV work from it. Her celebrity status is encouraging below mediocrity. Surely porn stars, who shoot there films at multiple angles, with multiple angles and has much better lighting and sound deserves to be a celebrity than Paris Hilton.

4.Nick C legg
The Lib Dem guy. He did very well in a debate. So did Tony Blair. Clegg is a classic politician by telling people what they want to hear even though it contradicts himself. He said that he knew an estimate of illegal immigrants in the UK that would be offered amnesty in the country, but now he says it’s impossible to say. He said he would pull troops out of Iraq, now he backs the war. He says that the country needs a truthful politician, yet he exploited the MP expenses more than most. At least with Cameron and Brown they will make a decision and stick with it, Clegg will flip flop on everything he did and it will mess up the country more.

5.Carlos Tevez
Fantastic footballer, but don’t make out yourself to be a massive victim. You left United because you knew you weren’t Sir Alex’s first choice and you knew you could get more money at Man City. You’ve had a great season but don’t make it out that you were badly treated.

6.Chad Kroeger
Before I slag him off, I have to respect a guy who’s band (Nickelback), despite (deservedly) getting rubbish reviews for both albums and performing live are bloody massive! My problem with this guy is that he wants to be James Hetfield. You can’t be James Hetfield, he’s one of the greatest frontmen/rhythm guitarists of all time. You are in a crappy band that have 3 songs that you keep repeating the pattern for. You can’t do a cheesy pop song that Justin Bieber would be embarrassed to sing (Rock Star) and then try and be pretentious wanks tryin to save the world (If Everyone Changed)

7.Claude Makelele
This man is a footballer held in very, very high regard. He played for Real Madrid and Chelsea and also represented France. He was known as a holding midfielder, which means he will stay in front of the defence and act like an extra line of defence. He was very well disciplined in this position. My problem is that he is known as a world class player but he wasn’t. Claudey boy was good at the doing the simple things. I don’t think any player should be recognised as a world class player because he passed the ball 5 yards and stayed in his own half. He annoys me.

8.Matthew Fox
Seth Rogen in Knocked Up said that nobody likes Matthew Fox because there is nothing interesting about him. It’s actually true. Plus he’d have experience of surviving on an island.

9.Anna Paquin
Anna, I like you. You deserved to win an Oscar for the Piano. You were great in Almost Famous and you were Roque in the X-Men trilogy. Huge props. You are a very talented Actress, so why the fuck do you put on a ridiculous accent and show classic US soap opera acting skills for True Blood. It might be a success but so was Charlie’s Angels and it doesn’t make that good either, which brings me on the tenth person on my abandoned Island…

10.McG
You are a director called McG and you want to be taken seriously? You made Charlie’s Angels. That bad enough, then they made Charlie’s Angels 2, which I have only seen the trailers for and looked painful to watch. The other annoying thing about McG is that for Charlie’s Angels 2 he had to get rid of Bill Murray because Lucy Liu was unhappy that he referred to the first film as a paycheque to him so they had a little bitchfest. My problem with this is that nobody can bring to a film what Bill Murray does, yet Lucy Liu can only make direct to DVD films now. He also made a rubbish Terminator film.

11.Steven Speilberg
If I was to write a list of my top 13 favourite directors of all time the man would definitely be on the list. The reason he would be on my list to be left stranded with these other 12 is because he fucked up the Indy franchise. Indiana Jones is a trilogy, possibly the greatest trilogy of all time but he had to make the Crystal Skull. It is very bad, there is no place for aliens in Indiana Jones and now he wants to make a fifth? He needs to be stopped.

12.Jimmy Carr
He just annoys me. He isn’t funny and he’s smug and he is only every fucking programme. Has a fantastic laugh though.

13.Matthew McConaugheyI like McConaughey, He was brilliant in A View To Kill, I love EdTV and he was also good in Tropic Thunder, but you have become the guy who stars in rubbish romcoms. How to Lose a guy in 10 days? Fools Gold? The one about girlfriend’s past? It’s just below you. And you’re always shirtless! Wear more shirts.

Ideas for stories i'd wish i'd written

While doing an English course, I had to come up with ideas for short stories and some I would use, most would be forgotten until I was lacking ideas for a blog so I thought I’d rehash them. Some of these I used the idea but had to cut them out due to the word count. I’m only including ideas that I actually liked, otherwise this was a waste of time. I’ve amended some things to make the descriptions a little easier because they are out of context.

1.Coming out of the closet.
I had this story of a group of three friends (the three person unit was kind of a consistent thing for me while coming up with stories) and one was easy going (Ned), one was a bit extreme (Glenn) in the way people lived and thought that people couldn’t be too different and the final friend was a closet homosexual (Harold).
Harold had wanted to tell Ned for a couple of years but always chickened out. In the end Ned went round to Ned’s flat and they were chatting and Harold said that he hooked up last night and made a tape of it. Ned really wanted to see the tape and was really pressing Harold for it so Harold put it in and they both watch it. Harold is sitting nervously as Ned watches him and this man start kissing. Ned is still oblivious and thinks it is a threesome and they were both starting. Ned finally realises that Harold is gay. I really wanted to use this part of the story but the rest of it wasn’t strong enough of an idea and this scene didn’t really fit into any of my stories. A real shame.

2 & 3.My MMA story
I had an idea of ripping off Rocky/Wrestler and setting it in the world of Mixed Martial Arts (my twist on the story). It was basically about a guy who was touted as the next big thing when the sport was still small but he never achieved his dream because he wasn’t driven enough and became an alcoholic. Now he’s mid 40’s and has a wife and she unexpectedly becomes pregnant. He decides to start training again as he knows he could make more money and give his child a better life. He has a few fights for small promotions and then he is offered a chance to fight the champ in UFC to sell more pay-per-views as America loves the underdog story. I hadn’t decided if he would win or not. The two scenes I wanted to do was a press conference of the old timer up being humble at first but being trash talked by the champ constantly and then the old timer showing heart and passion and starting to believe he could beat him. The second was in a bar chatting to an ex fighter who was helping him train and doubting why he is doing this, how he should just stick to a normal job rather than take a risky fight. In the conversation he realises he’s not only fighting to help his family but to prove to himself that he could have made it.
In the end I didn’t use this idea because it was a bit too much of a rip-off of other things and I wanted to try a more original idea.

4.Farmageddon
Farmageddon is an idea I had about the pigs being hated by the cows as the cows think they are becoming the farmers favourite animals. So the Cows join allegiances with the Chickens and Sheep and declare war on the Pigs. I haven’t got the whole story figured out but I really want to finish it. The scene I want to do is a montage of the pigs in training but instead of using a song to really get them going and give them a winning mentality, they use Kelly Clarkson music as some is high tempo but lyrically not inspiring.

5.Conspiracy Theory
Never got off the ground. As all my stories were based around my interests I wanted to try a story like The Firm, where everybody is involved. I just couldn’t think of the story, only that it was based around the Fire Department and that fires were purposely being set so they could put them out. It probably wouldn’t have worked hence why I never wrote it.

6 & 7.Teenage love story
I love teen flicks, from Breakfast Club to Heathers and Superbad. I wanted to write one about a popular kid who is having an identity crisis and notices a girl who has change her image (from goth to kooky) and falls for her. It is very cheesy but I like the idea. The first scene I started was based on the boy leaving Ice Hockey practice and driving home in the rain. He notices the girl and hesitates to pick her up because she has rejected his advances already. He pulls over and convinces her to get in the car. It’s a frosty environment and then she slags off his bad taste in music and gives him a couple of cds to listen too. This is the point where they start to fall for each other. I admit cheesy but it was what I wanted to write.
The second scene was a chat between the guy and a friend who is a proper geek and they argue about Juno. The geek believes that girls like her exist and the guy is saying they don’t. The basis for this scene was reading how movie reviews say how realistic indie films are and they never are. It’s me ranting about it. I like to rant.

8.Tooth Fairy
There is a film out soon could tooth fairy. No idea what the story is but I doubt it is the same as mine. I like the idea of telling a well-known story told many times before and just changing it completely. My tooth fairy story was about him not being recognised as highly as the Easter Bunny and Father Christmas. He really loses it though when he hears a news story saying that Cupid was now considered more important. This gives him a breakdown and decides to punish people. Realising that screwing over kids wasn’t helping him he decides that he will kill the easter bunny, Cupid and Father Christmas. I never wrote it as it seemed too dark (and slightly twisted) but after writing this I wish I did. This however is slightly similar to the next idea.

9.Nelson Mandela
We all know the story. Wrongfully imprisoned and he’s a real inspiration. But what if he took his time in prison to instead of fighting the good fight, he went crazy, but pretended to be good, become president and then went all Mugabe on the country. I didn’t pursue this idea because I thought I would be frowned upon by the rest of my class, but why tell the same story again and again when you could have the biggest twist?

10 & 11.Tuesday’s Gone
The two best stories I finished was this and a vigilante graphic novel type (more on that later). Tuesday’s Gone was based on the Lynyrd Skynyrd song about a person going on tour and it destroys his relationship. Due to a word count restriction, I had to remove some stuff I liked. One was about the singer cheating on his girlfriend. I was doing this scene to show that he was upset with himself at how easy it was for him to forget about his girlfriend and the disgust look in his face at how his dream has changed him. The second scene was after they had broken up, they bump into each other and chat to each other and start on the road to becoming friends. I wanted to include this as closure but I think the ending I used in the story (he sings the song to symbolise the break up of the relationship) was better for it.

12 & 13.Paladin
Paladin was a masked vigilante who gave it up to start a family. With wife passed away and daughter in another country he decides to don his again as a pensioner. I love the idea of it and as I was making it out as a graphic novel I could throw realism out of the window. I was really happy with this story and I had to cut a lot of ideas. I cut out a big part of his back story and those are the scenes I think the story lack. I wanted to put the birth of Paladin in the story but it was easier to lose and keep the plot rolling. He started to revenge a friend’s assault. The police did nothing so he put on a mask to hide his identity and beat up the person who assaulted his friend. With blood on his hands he felt no remorse because he knew it was for the right reasons.
The other scene I wanted to include was a council meeting with the public after Paladin’s first few jobs back. They are discussing if he is a criminal or hero. This was to show the way people see him in the community.